Body Image & the Myth of Self-Esteem. Blog No. 2

I’ll be honest with you, body image nearly broke me when I was a teenager. Before I ever learned the language of psychotherapy, before or understood anything about trauma, attachment, or self-esteem, I knew one thing, I did not feel good enough in my own skin, and speaking of skin I was covered in a achne. And if you’re reading this, and you’ve ever stood in front of a mirror and felt that gut punch of shame from what was staring back at me, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.

Iv noticed in my community and from my work, our youth are being hit with pressures far harsher than anything I faced growing up. Social media has become a 24/7 comparison machine of filters, sculpted influencers, shredded gym lads, and impossible beauty standards for girls that would crush any adult, never mind a child.

But long before social media existed, my own ideas about what a real man should look like was already being shaped and distorted. Even as a child in the 80s, my idea of a man was unrealistic. When I was young, I adored the He-Man cartoon, Prince Adam would transform into a muscle bound superhero, all chest, arms, and legs sculpted from granite. I idolised him. I thought that was strength , and masculinity.

Later came Schwarzenegger, Stallone, Van Damme.

All of them massive, ripped, invincible. And I didn’t know back then, but they were all on steroids., every one of them. So even as a child my blueprint for manhood was a chemically enhanced fantasy.

No wonder why I never felt like enough.

And then in adolescence, I remember the comments. People would say “you’re so skinny.” or “you need to put on weight.” They weren’t trying to hurt me, but every comment cut deeper than they realised. Each one confirmed what those childhood heroes had already planted in my mind, my body isn’t good enough, I’m not good enough.

My confidence back then was fragile, built on s foundation of straw and grass, collapsing under the slightest criticism. So I turned to the only solution I knew. I tried to build the body I thought would finally make me happy. Seven days a week in the gym, not for health, but for image. Not for strength, but for validation and approval. And over time, I built myself into 16½ stone of muscle. People praised me “you’re massive” or “serious shape boy.” Every compliment fed me like a drug.

For a while, I believed that was confidence. But it wasn’t. Because the moment I stopped training, my self-esteem evaporated into thin air. That’s when I realised something, most of us build our self-esteem on the wrong things.

We think confidence comes from the body, muscle, weight and shape. What people say and how people look at us. But here’s the truth beautifully summarised by one of my favourite authors, Anthony de Mello, who wrote: “self-esteem is how we see ourselves, through the mirror in the eyes of other people.” And that kind of self-esteem is not self-esteem at all, it’s imprisonment. The moment other people stop applauding, the confidence collapses. The moment the body changes or get injured or old, the identity shatters. If you think like this, where will your self esteem be when you’re in your 70s ???

So I had to learn a new truth and il give it to you in plain street language. True self-esteem is when you finally stop “giving a shit of what other people think about you”. Not in a rude way, but in a compassionate and peaceful way. That’s the journey I’m on now and it’s the journey I want for my son.

One day he came home in tears from school. He was six years old. Someone called him “spaghetti arms.” A six-year-old boy already judged for his body. It hit me hard because I recognised the shame in his eyes. So we did something simple but powerful. We bought a Mr. Men book. Every character is shaped differently tall, tiny, round, long, square, bendy. I told him “Look, this is what humans look like, different shapes, different sizes, and every one of them is perfect.”

I watched his little shoulders soften and he let out a little breathe of relief. I watched him reclaim something before the world stole it, a sense of safety in his own little body. This post isn’t about weight or muscle, it’s about self worth. Body image wounds are emotional wounds, and as we get older they shape identity, mental health, relationships, and self-belief.

I see it every week in my own work, women thinking there not pretty enough, men thinking they’re not man enough. Aldolesents comparing themselves to bodies that aren’t even real. Others still haunted by comments made decades ago. People overtraining, restricting, hiding, numbing, trying to fix a shame that isn’t theirs to carry.

So, the intention of this post is……..

You don’t owe anyone a different body. You don’t have to inherit He-Man’s physique, Schwarzenegger’s pecs, Stallone’s 6 pack, or Kim Kardashian’s bum. You don’t have to perform, bulk, shrink, or manufacture yourself into someone else’s idea of enough.

Your body is not a problem, your thinking is. “What other people think about you, is none of your business” . Your worth is not conditional and you are fully allowed to accept yourself as you are no matter what shape or size you are. The moment you stop letting the world tell you who you should be, you finally start becoming who you actually are. I’m still skinny today snd people still make remarks “you need to put on weight” so I smile snd say “I’m very comfortable with how I look”

“Enjoy your body, use it every way you can. Don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it. Use it wisely, it’s the greatest instrument you will ever use” Baz Luhrmann (Sunscreen Song).

Bodywhys – The Eating Disorders Association of Ireland

• Contact: Helpline 01-2107906.

• Office/General enquiries: 01-2834963, email info@bodywhys.ie.

• Address: PO Box 105, Blackrock, Co Dublin.

• What they do: Provide support, information and advocacy for people affected by eating disorders and body‐image issues.

• Note: They do not directly provide treatment services (i.e., they are a support/advocacy organisation) but can guide you to appropriate treatment pathways.